My life is so full of opportunities that come with very little direction. I always find myself in the sweetest of situations, where I really have to work hard to figure things out. Okay, I ask for it really. Don't like to be told what to do, or think, or how to do anything so of course I would end up here, working sort of alone, with such an allergy to authority that I can't really get comfortable with enacting it myself. It's like there is a big puzzle piece missing that could make it all come together and be amazing. What is it. . . ?

Anyway, i'm having a period of hating my hair. . . and everything else. I really wish I could put an end to these periods and also the idea that spending money on things and altering this or that about myself will make me feel better because it always does. for like 2 months.

is this the same missing link? maybe. Like everything else, its probably about acceptance.

Today they tore down Vera as I knew it. It was a week early so no one knew it was happening until a Sub Pop employee saw it coming down and sent out the alert. Sigh. It is another ending to the end of an era. I knew the last time I was in there it would be the last time I would see the inside of 1916 Fourth Avenue even if it I would walk by the chainlink gated doorway several months later. It is still hard to imagine that I won't be in my sunny green office with the annoying pass through that everyone used instead of the hallway, or have anymore meetings in the conference room dizzily painted with red and black diagnol stripes. No more breakdancing in the show room, cursing the smell of urine as you walk through the threshold, no more peeling paint with mold hidden underneath its blue latex layers. I feel like I know every knook and cranny of those 6800 sq ft. And ingested every hazardous substance in its structure. Lovingly. So much work went it to it. Hopefully that work will stick with Vera no matter where it is housed.

On a lighter note, I have been having this weird problem that I sometimes have randomly--inappropriate blushing. Does anyone else have this? You find yourself turing red for no apparent reason. Is it that pheremones are in high circulation? is it my really bad diet and lack of cardiovascular exercise? It's weird and embarrasing but you can imagine what getting embarrassed does to a person who is blushing. sheesh.

Listening to - my mopey break up mix and thinking about asbestos.

I am restless. Insatiable. Unfocused. In need of a vacation probably. Or something. I had a day of feeling completely disinterested in my very interesting job. I would rather talk about someone's job doing quality control for cheaply mass made products or calling people and trying to sell them things. Anything. Weird. I guess one day out of many ain't so bad.

Today I woke up to the news of 21 people being arrested in the UK for trying to get on planes headed to the US with the makings of bombs. I'm afraid to listen to the news to see what's happened since then. It's amazing how you think that you can just not pay attention to the news and go on about your day being bored at work, IM'ing too much, downloading music, eating pretzels, or whatever. I wonder where those planes were going.

uh oh. spoke to soon. that's how it goes i guess. hot older dude that I met at the nat'l hip hop political convention's got game. I wasn't sure. He came into town to practice and play at a festival with his band and the first night we hung out it was kind of a bust. I was like, "is he stoned? is he really stoned?" I ridded all thoughts of crushing out of my mind and went about my weekend. I even went so far as to not return a phone call one night and opted to hang out by myself. The last day he was here I decided to give it another shot. I knew at the very least that I would want to be friends. Things were 180 degrees different. Hmmm. . . this doesn't really fit into my plan. and furthermore, it's seems like it's opened the pandora's box of nascent crushes. spring fever in the summer is in full effect.

Damn. Hot people are everywhere in SF. Flaunting their saucy style and seemingly glamourous lifestyles. Fashion is less homogenous than seattle but also like it's upped a notch. Based on how many times I checked my outfit in the mirror on my way out the door today, I think I've been trying a little too hard to keep up.

This month has been crazy and good. I got to buy some plane tickets and fly to a few different places and talk to people about what their dope
youth-music-civic-engagment-programs. So much good stuff. For being a taurus, I did surprisingly well away from home. That is the benefit of feeling a little rootless right now--I don't get homesick. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I didn't feel guilty for being away from the office or my staff. I felt like I could have just kept moving. That I could have moved somewhere else and given it a whirl and it wouldn't really make any difference. I started to concoct a plan to move to nebraska for a year to purposely burst my metropolitan progressive bubble a little. Maybe start going to an evangelical church and taking notes. Then again, I kind of fell in love with the Michigan Summer. And also back in love with New York City. More than ever, I feel the pull to go there. Maybe 6 months Nebraska, 6 months NYC. But the other surprising thing was--it felt good to come back to the bay area. I mean, not like I was "home" but it felt good. This sounds like boring stuff probably, unless you know what it's like to move away from your home of many years to a new place.



My travels culminated at the National Hip Hop Political Convention in Chicago. I was able to take the 18 year old that I've been working with and it was a really good bonding experience. Of course, as a white woman, i got schooled by all the amazing speakers, truth-telling about all that is awry in the world right now, with racism & imperialism at the core. At the same time I had the usual frustration about their being so many dudes on the mic. [Did I mention how many girls are rocking the high high heels and tightass jeans in this coffee shop? work it girls] Anyway, oh the world of community organizing. In the Bay Area, New York and DC I think you get the sense that with all these amazing radical organizations that are working nationally, with strategy and kickass people that the world is changing and the "movement" is a force to reckon with. Then at these convention and trainings there is infighting, a tendency to be hypercritical, and the momentum gets sort of lost in s sea of we "got to figure our own shit out first." Which is great and healthy and important but man, let's just acknowledge the areas for improvement and keep moving, you know. I mean, shit is crazy right now. I really want some of these super savvy smart organizers to start a new political party.

whoa. very cute dog at 3:00. damn, even the dogs.



so much to tell--family visits, seeing alcatraz and getting super inspired by the 1969 indian takeover (hello, how come i didn't learn about that in High School?), having an intense time at work (sigh), going salsa dancing for the first time and having men shorter than me dip me to the floor and whirl me around until I forgot that I didn't even really know how to do it.

this time. . . it's full.

Garden Party, halfway here. Again.

I have my first deadline with my job coming up in two days. I'm oscillating between moments of feeling great clarity and like I'm on to something to feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing and like it was insane to except an opportunity to try to do something solo. While I question my motiviation to do this work less and less, I question what exactly I'm doing in California working for a company whose heart is in electoral politics and wants to be able to measure cultural change within an election cycle. Universe give me the strength to figure out how to do years worth of work in the next two months and without screwing up the potential of this project. . . then again, everyone quit what they are doing and start working on ending the insanity in the middle east. what are we on the verge of here?

On the lighter side of things, SF is settling into me and me into it. My roommate and I strung up christmas lights in our little backyard garden and had a very adult sunday evening gathering complete with her sicillain-greek savory dishes and my southern-inspired baked treats. About 5 people came that are new friends of mine and I felt very lucky to sit in a little semi-cirlcle of these folks who came by to make my house feel warm.

Oh you know what's missing? Dance. and I really miss it. You know what else is missing? Romantic relationship drama and I couldn't care less. Finally.