I'm not going to amsterdam. The grown up in me that wants to face my traveling-induced credit debt won out.

A different kind of homesickness struck tonight. Unexpectedly. Could be that the period is finally coming after the alleviation from fake hormones in my system or the seeing shoplifting playing at the bottom of the hill made me dizzy with how good they are and nostalgia.

Or it could be the newfound sense of fear I have living here. Saturday night I was driving my flexcar home and got boxed in by two cars and sort of surrounded by a bunch of kids that were hanging out on the sidewalk. One guy walked up to my door like he was going to open it. I didn't flinch or try to lock the doors or anything. It was a car share car with not a damn thing in it or any personal attachment to me. It was pretty clear I was just being fucked with. I backed up and somehow managed to get out of it. 2) This happened after walking up on two guys conspicuously scoping roommate's cousin's truck mid afternoon. 3) almost all of shoplifting's gear stolen out of their van last night a few blocks away (oh the irony!) 4) The topper-while riding my bike home tonight, two guys pulled knives and mugged two other guys on a well lit four-lane street while I was a few feet away from them. Not knowing what else to do or event thinking it is a real solution, I called the cops. It was over before the operator even asked where I was.

I mean we are mainly just talking about stuff here and at least property theft isn't physically injurous to another person. I've just never been around such an abundance of street crime...in what seems like yuppieville, nestled on a peninsula across the water from the city with the one of the highest homicide rates per capita in the country. I guess that's wherein the tensions lies. The Bay Area. It's so full of contradictions.

I've tried to combat being a victim of crime by trying to remain oblivious to it. By not keeping any sort of a tally going so as to be able to point to all the reasons why you should be afraid and then seem afraid and then seem like a good person to ask for money or what have you. Right now I'm sort of huddled under covers of my bed, in the safest place I could think of. Most of what I own is in near proximity and I'm pretty sure I couldn't sell any of it, save for this computer, for any more than $10 on craig's list. (believe me, figuring this out was an exercise in the aforementioned financing amsterdam/paying off credit cards scenario) so I'm not really afraid of losing anything. I just don't want a wall to start being erected inside of me, obscuring the clarity of understanding the pointlessness of being in fear all the time or what the history is that has led us to be in this sort of social climate.