Thursday, May 25, 2006


Okay first off, last night I adopted a new philosophy (thanks to the brilliance of my roommate), "don't school, say no instead." Alternately you could say it, "say no to schooling boys." This is in regards to being in relationships with boys who show enormous poetential, that I make a lot of excuses and allowances for, that I have basically stayed with because I think that they will figure it out someday and all my working through shit will pay off. But you know what? I'm not training any more guys to be great for their next girlfriends (another quote from roommate via movie) or stroking their egos so that they might figure out how to make me feel good in our relationship. Last night I took a stab at doing what is good for her, for real. Instead of relying on my perpetual optomism to make any relationship work, I said "we've got to let it go," to which Tyler said, "okay." The lack of fight was at once both infuriating and reassuring that I was doing the right thing. He said he felt bad when thinking about me being far away. but like bad, negative, not sad and like he wanted to talk to me. Like he wanted to not want to talk to me. He also said he thought of me as pining away for him all the time while in SF. Give a girl some fucking credit. It's all way too cliche. He said enough nice things that in the past would have made me pause and reconsider but I'm taking care of myself in a relationship first, starting today.

I listened to enough will oldham and cried and cried and cried to wake up with a different eyelid structure this morning. You know that song Master and Everyone? I swear to god that could be tyler. I may love this guy (bonnie prince pictured right), but I'm not dating him.

Anyway, enough of that. Please help me make a very important decision! I got into the Anouk Van Dijk workshop (that's her in the photo) in Amsterdam that is happening this July. Plane tickets are $1200!!! Plus the workshop costs, plus housing. I think I can come up with the money but I will be broke broke broke and still in debt from moving. Plus my job is only a 6 month contract (e.g. no job security to rely on for dealing with the debt) and I was thinking about going to language school next winter. At 29, is it ridiculous ot still spend every cent on things I want right now and not figure out how to pay off debt and put money away? Do I pass up this chance to go to Amsterdam and wait and see if it happens next year? In post break up mood, I'm like fuck it, let's go. I'm sort of jonsing for getting out of the country, for indulging myself artistically, and this woman is the first choreographer in a long time that has really excited me. Please advise! and please ignore if this sounds reminescent of a sex in the city episode with the relationship analysis and rhetorical questions. I've been watching too much of it.

ps. I love you.


At 5:56 PM , Blogger rachel said...

if you can make the finances work, i say go to amsterdam. it's inspiring for you there, no?



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