I feel far away from home. Even if all my friends in Seattle are busy and spread out, it is intensely clear just how spread out we all are right now.
You know what I hate? Trying to do family stuff when feeling heartbroken. I hate feeling distracted from the people that are the most important to me by people that have fallen short of figuring out how to love or show it. I'm going back for my parents 40th (!) wedding anniversary and have been mostly worrying about what will happen if I run into tyler and what's worse, what will happen if I don't?
I felt much clearer and stronger about this two weeks ago. Then he sent me an email saying that all he could think about was me and coming to SF. Then he called 4 days later and said he didn't know if it was a good idea. And I'm asking myself what's more tragic? That this guy is sort of fucking with me, or that I've been letting myself be fucked with for this long.
Two weeks ago, I woke up and reaffirmed my newly single identity, but now, instead of an affirming process, I'm having:
-a stint of smoking cigarrettes
-attempted technological healing via deleting numbers, profiles, emails, MP3's.
-a mopey music fest! Sometimes supplemented by a bath or aforementioned nicotine flare up.
-another high caffeine and white-flour-if-anything-diet
-little bursts of anger - with actual picture ripping (there's a first!)
But I don't buy any of this for one second. I know I gotta do it, but really, I mean, de-friending someone via the internet? Just for the record, I'm totally aware of the patheticness. Now someone please give me a latte, a chocolate chip cookie, and a carissa's weird album.